It becomes increasingly apparent with each passing year that I have forced, or at least created, this person who I find harder and harder to relate to… I understand the defense mechanism itself and how it has both dragged me down and lifted me up, but as my spark continues to fade and I find myself a bit more depleted each day, I realize that it scares the hell out of me to think that the biggest façade, my greatest lie, was to myself. I am sure it will make more sense if I continue to utilize this outlet but it gives a bit of backstory to this writing… a me in my early teens that saw himself backed into a corner, alone, surrounded by darkness, and tortured in there was no relief, only torment… to decades later when that corner had been expanded and created upon…
My Fortress. My Prison. My Purgatory.
I share with you, “Trapped”, once titled, “Upon The Floor I sit”:
Upon the floor I sit. The bare concrete fills the room with a cold moisture, the faint smell of must lingers, dancing lightly with the smoke that has escaped the vacuum of the chimney. The room smells vaguely of my childhood; a sick day, laying on the floor in front of the fire, wanting yet cursing the heat that both amplifies and soothes my sickness. My moment of reminiscing is interrupted by reality, I feel the numbness in my arms from resting upon my knees, the skin surely red and indented with each micro-particle of calloused skin it has pressed so tightly against for, what an hour? A day? The warmth of my arm is evident against my forehead, the hair lightly tickling my skin with each slight movement. Oh, how I hate that feeling, that light tickle… That momentary sense of pleasure.
I shudder and open my eyes; the world looks so much different through the tears that have collected upon my lashes. The blend of light reflecting upon itself creates a portrait that no artist could hope to capture, the flickering of the fire changes the scene that I gaze upon, my imagination takes these stimuli and creates worlds and fantasies – each tear has become, in this moment in time, its own universe. Another earth perhaps, where life was born from the chaos of the beginning of time, year upon year, life thriving and evolving, a cosmic miracle that fades into nothing in a second… The tear has collected upon itself, the weight pulling it to the ends of my lashes… It clings desperately, but like the others before and the others to come it finds the path into nothingness and falls… Oh how I hate tears.
My body aches and I relish in the pain, physical pain is a welcome change to the anguish that has filled my soul and blackened my heart. Every ounce of my flesh is filled with a million sparks of electricity, tingles that reverberate off one another and travel quickly to the base of my skull where my brain takes these messages and translates them into the stinging pain that snaps me from this trance… Oh how I hate that stinging pain.
Then a knock upon my door That echoes round the room, Awakens me from this daze, This mourning the loss of you
Two empty hollow sounds Fill now the empty space Where the world once left me ‘lone This cold and empty place
Again their comes a knock, And I arise from the floor My lips they form the words, As I ask, oh who is at my door
The reply is but a muffle, Sound silenced by the steel As I float upon sleeping legs, Pulling me close against my will
I twist the cold steel knob, The latch, it clicks and slides I pull the door back to myself And let the world inside
You step inside my friend. The smile upon your face remains but the light in your eyes dims greatly as you gaze upon the remnants of the man that once was. I see it, no, feel the change in you as your heart drops for me… You are certain now this trip is pointless but your dedication to this broken soul does not allow you to walk away. You force yourself to stay while at the same time questioning what use it was to stop by… But your mind takes you back to a time so much different than now. A time when we shared our thoughts, our dreams, even our laughter. It seems like decades ago if only a few years… My memories travel there as well, in this second, I see what was and I know where I need to reach for, if only I can hold on a bit longer, but oh how I hate holding on.
I offer you a drink and realize as I look upon this barren cell that I have confined myself to that it is a fitting punishment for one such as I, there is no hope here, no faith… This is where souls come to die when that flicker of light has finally ceased.
When God himself has turned his back upon this soul, this cosmic miracle that had travelled both space and time… This is the place, upon the plains of tears that such a being comes to die…
I speak in riddles, my voice cold and hollow but you try. There is a level of excitement that I feel as we converse that I have not felt in ages, but it is merely a shadow of what once was. I return your banter, pushing through the darkness to mimic the me I once was as best I can but we both know it is futile. I am but the shell of a soul once full of life and hope and happiness… Oh how I hate faking my way through things.
Beyond the shadows of the stars…
I feel how uncomfortable you are. Your body language, tone of speech, the carefully chosen words are a dead giveaway. I see you scanning your thoughts, your memories to search for those words of salvation. That memory, or moment in time which will save me… Oh how I hate you for caring, for trying to help…
In my bitterness I shorten my responses. I limit the conversation. I wait until you grow tired of trying… I see that moment in which you simply give up. You carry on for a bit, burning the time… I respect that you don’t just walk away but hate you for it just the same. I miss this interaction but hate it. Hate it in such a way that a thousand demons stand poised to pounce within my mind, screaming out their painful cries to silence all else… You begin to quiet, finish your drink and over your glass scan my face once more for a sign, a shred of humanity… Sadly, it is clear your efforts are to no avail. Oh, how I hate you for giving up…
You stand and I walk you to the door. It was good to see you my friend, but I can no longer entertain these moments… I know there is a small child, that last flicker of light, within me that screams out – begging for you to stay. But his words are lost in the darkness… I stand there and shake your hand, enjoying for a moment the warmth of your hand in mine. But the noise within my soul, the chaos that floods my brain drives me to quickly dismiss it… and you. I close the door as you walk away… Oh how I hate you for leaving me.
I stand in silence… All is quiet. The voices have hushed themselves, the demons have quieted, and the child within has not the energy to call out again. I take my place upon the floor… I reach out and pull my knees to my chest, resting my arms upon them. The tears well up in my eyes as the next thousand universes prepare to journey through their unique existence. I slowly drop my head to my arms and feel the hairs tickle my skin… Oh how I hate that feeling, that light tickle…
Beyond the shadows of the stars, Where lost demons sleep, In a world so much like ours, Our angels sadly weep.
Oh, how I hate that life forgot me, that it soured my soul, darkened my heart, and left my mind to wander in this abyss of illogical existence.
I really don’t know where to start, I have “reset” so many times and found myself back where I began, a sine wave of ups and downs so carefully hidden behind the façade that the world is allowed to see… or more correctly, that the world wants to see…
To summarize “me” I chose this from the endless pages, I agonized over what to choose but if there was a statement that defines me, it would be this:
I thrive in chaos.
Constantly moving, thinking, doing…
When I stop, loneliness comes crashing forward and crushes me against the weight of reality, and I am left to gather the pieces of myself that lay shattered about.
Musings 